Understanding Fear: A Guide for Those Caring for Elderly Parents

Fear is automatic and deeply tied to our nervous system. We don’t choose to feel fear – it happens as part of our body’s natural reaction to perceived danger. This is why logical reasoning alone often isn’t enough to dispel fear. You may find yourself thinking, “I know there’s no point worrying about this, but I can’t help it.” This is because fear triggers a physiological response in the body, releasing stress hormones that prepare us to react.

Even if a fear is imagined, such as worrying about burnout in the future, our body responds as though the threat is real. This explains why fear can sometimes feel overwhelming and difficult to control.

Yes, fear serves an important role in keeping us safe. It allows us to identify risks and adapt our behaviour accordingly. However, excessive fear can be problematic when it leads to constant stress or avoidance behaviours. If the fear response is out of proportion to the actual threat, it can result in ongoing anxiety and emotional exhaustion.

While fear cannot always be eliminated, it can be managed. Below are two simple yet effective strategies that can help carents cope with fear in a healthy way.

1. Mindfulness and Grounding Techniques

When fear strikes, it often brings physical symptoms such as a racing heart, shallow breathing, or nausea. One way to counteract this response is through mindfulness.

Try this simple breathing exercise:

• Take a deep breath in, noticing the temperature of the air as it enters your nose.
• Exhale slowly, paying attention to the warmth of your breath as it leaves your body.
• Repeat for a few breaths, focusing entirely on your breathing.

By shifting attention to the breath, you disrupt the automatic fear response and signal to your brain that you are safe.

Another grounding technique is the 5-4-3-2-1 method, where you focus on:

• 5 things you can see
• 4 things you can touch
• 3 things you can hear
• 2 things you can smell
• 1 thing you can taste

This technique helps redirect your mind away from fear and back into the present moment.

2. Reframing Fear Through Acceptance

Rather than trying to eliminate fear, learning to accept it as a normal and necessary emotion can be a powerful shift in mindset. Instead of fearing burnout, for example, acknowledge that it is a valid concern and then take proactive steps to manage and prevent it.

Rather than focusing on your absolute worst-case “red light scenario”, begin to think what a moderated version might look like. For example, with burnout, rather than thinking about the worst case scenario, imagine a moderated “amber light version”.

You can then work with the amber version to focus on prevention and mitigation planning. What actions could you take to minimise any risks?

We will be exploring “risk-management” in our upcoming workshop. Connecting with other carents who understand your concerns can be invaluable and help you to identify concrete actions to minimise risks on your own journey.

By taking this proactive approach, you you can take control of your fear rather than allowing it to control you

During a Courage to Carent workshop with Jacqueline Weeks, we shared the results of our Carents Lounge poll, which summarised the main sources of fear within our community.

Following a breakout session where participants connected and shared their fears, Jacqueline introduced Mindfulness – a powerful tool for managing the physical effects of fear.

Key Takeaways from the Workshop:

✅ Understanding Fear’s Impact – When we feel fear, our bodies enter a state of threat, making it hard to think clearly. Mindfulness can help calm the nervous system, restore control, and foster self-compassion.
✅ Mindful Breathing Exercise – We practised a simple breathing technique to anchor ourselves in the present moment and counteract fear-driven thoughts.

Practical Breathing Exercise:

• Become aware of your breath.
• Focus on the temperature as you breathe in and out.
• Try elongating the out-breath – breathe in for 4 counts, then out for 8 counts.
• Breathe into the part of your body that feels the tension most.

Slowing the breath activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which helps relax the body by releasing chemicals that counteract fear. This is a simple, effective reset tool that you can use anytime your thoughts begin to spiral.

Our participants shared their thoughts on the workshop experience:

• “The group session felt like such a release – really therapeutic.”
• “Leaving recorded voice messages as reminders was a great tip! Also, the importance of Power of Attorney.”
• “Looking into Admiral Nurses for more support.”
• “Good to be reminded that action planning reduces fear – I tend to freeze under stress.”
• “Prioritising self-care like walking, yoga, and using meditation apps has helped.”
• “Yes, I freeze when under stress too – planning ahead really helps.”

Suggestions from the group:

• Contact Citizens Advice Bureau: They provide carer support and help with emergency planning.
• Look into grants and carer cards: Local councils and carer groups offer financial and practical assistance.
• Consider care agencies – Home Instead and Carefound were recommended by participants
• Explore Age UK’s services – They offer companionship, home help, and financial advice.