Understanding Feelings of Loss as a Carent

Margaret’s story illustrates how caring for a loved one can lead to multiple layers of loss such as:

• Loss of Routine and Control: Her daily life has become unpredictable.
• Loss of Professional Identity: She’s uncertain about continuing her career.
• Loss of Personal Time and Hobbies: She’s stopped activities that once brought her joy.
• Loss in Family Dynamics: Strained relationships with her husband and sons.
• Grieving Her Mother: Processing the death of her mum while caring for her dad.

We recently held a “Courage to Carent” workshop focused on understanding and navigating these complex emotions. Here’s a summary of what we explored:

Connecting Through Shared Experiences

Participants engaged in breakout sessions, using Margaret’s case study as an icebreaker. The discussions revealed that many could relate deeply to her situation:

• Common Sentiments:
• “All of us are bits of Margaret and more.”
• “It was profound for me listening to the video—it was the first time someone has listed all the things we have lost.”
• “I didn’t realise other people felt the same way.”
• “Thank you. I’ve been longing for connection to people in the same situation.”
• “I feel exactly the same. It’s so good to know there are others and we are not alone in this.”

Understanding the Spiral of Thoughts

Our facilitator, Jacqueline, introduced some key research and concepts:

• Self-Determination Theory: Emphasises the importance of competence, control, and connection in our lives.
• Negative Thought Patterns: How “tacky thoughts” can stick and lead to unhelpful spirals affecting behaviour and self-perception.

Jacqueline explained how our thoughts can cause vicious circles making them become increasingly tacky or sticky :

1. Thought: Initial perceptions about a situation.
2. Action: Behaviours resulting from those thoughts.
3. Consequence: Outcomes that reinforce the initial thought.
4. Knowledge: Information we carry forward.
5. Yourself – how this changes views of yourself

Strategies for Moving Forward

We learnt how feelings of loss can build silently unless we take action and Jacqueline shared practical strategies to help carents manage these feelings:

1. Regular Self-Check-ins:

• Attach this habit to daily routines, like brushing your teeth.
• Morning Check-in: Anticipate the day’s challenges and what you might need.
• Evening Reflection: Acknowledge positives from the day.

2. Recognise Feelings as Grief:

• Understanding that loss isn’t just about bereavement  but can be about changes in life roles and routines.

3. Counterbalance Negativity:

• Purposefully seek out positive experiences and thoughts.
• Acknowledge what you have gained, not just what you’ve lost.

4. Cultivate Curiosity:

• Explore what you’re learning about yourself during this transition.
• Consider who might benefit from your experiences.

5. Role Modelling:

• Recognise the influence your actions have on others, especially your children.
• Demonstrate compassionate caregiving as a valuable life lesson.

6. Separate Past from Present:

• Avoid attributing your parent’s current negative behaviours to who they were before.
• Understand that illness can change behaviours, and it’s not a reflection of their true selves.

Key Takeaways

• You’re Not Alone: Connecting with others in similar situations can provide comfort and reduce feelings of isolation.
• Mindfulness Matters: Regularly checking in with yourself helps you stay aware of your emotional state and needs.
• Positive Focus: Intentionally seeking positives can counterbalance the natural negative bias our brains have.
• Self-Care is Essential: Re-engaging in activities you enjoy can improve your well-being and resilience.
• Communication Helps: Sharing your experiences and feelings with family can alleviate tension and build understanding.

Moving Forward

Caring for a loved one is a significant undertaking that can affect various aspects of your life. Recognising feelings of loss and implementing strategies to manage them is crucial for your well-being.

Remember: Small, intentional steps can lead to meaningful changes. Whether it’s a quick self-check-in or reaching out to someone who understands, every action counts.