“It felt like an avalanche”: The hidden burden of becoming a carer overnight
When Michael Challis-Brown lost his father, he didn’t just face grief. He faced an avalanche of decisions. His mother, already living with Crohn’s disease, needed urgent care after a fall—and suddenly, Michael found himself a full-time carent.
“At a time when we were both grieving, I was also having to make these huge decisions for Mum. There was no time to absorb the enormity of our situation, and the pressure was immense,” says Michael, from Coventry.
Michael’s story is deeply personal, but it’s not unusual. In fact, it’s a reality for millions. Today, there are around four million carents in the UK—making them the country’s largest caring cohort. And for many, like Michael, the role comes unexpectedly.
A role nobody trains for
Michael’s dad had been managing cancer for years, while his mum had been diagnosed with Crohn’s disease. “They cared for each other beautifully,” he says. “But when my mum needed a stoma bag, my dad ignored his own worsening symptoms. He was from that selfless generation.”
Eventually, Michael’s father moved into a care home, and doctors told the family he wouldn’t return home. “I decorated their house anyway—hoping for the best,” Michael remembers. “But he died on New Year’s Eve.”
Soon after, his mum fell and was moved into care. It all happened in the space of weeks.
“The whole period felt like a whirlwind. You don’t have the headspace to devote to it, especially when you’re grieving.”
The emotional weight of decision-making
Michael’s employer, Cadent, were supportive—giving him time off to handle both practicalities and emotions. But what he needed, he says, was more than time. He needed guidance.
“What you really need is help navigating your way around the world you suddenly find yourself in,” he explains. “Help with the NHS, help finding support, help just understanding what’s going on.”
It’s a sentiment we hear time and time again in the Carents Lounge—our private, supportive space for people navigating caring for elderly parents.
Many adult children find themselves having to manage finances, medical appointments, care assessments, legal matters, and emotional wellbeing—all in the midst of grief and change. It can feel overwhelming. It can feel, as Michael describes it, “like an avalanche”.
It’s why Carents.co.uk exists
To support people like Michael, Carents.co.uk was created as a trusted online hub for advice, community and practical support. It was launched by Dr Jackie Gray following her own experience caring for her father.
“One of the big issues many carents face is knowing where to turn,” says Dr Gray
“That’s why we created this digital space: to make sure no one ever feels alone or unequipped.”
Carents.co.uk acts as a one-stop-shop for adult children navigating their parents’ care. From understanding Power of Attorney to help with finances, medical planning, and simply managing stress—it's all here in one place.
“I wish I’d known about it at the time”
Michael only found out about Carents after his mother also passed away. “If I’d known about it at the time, I think it would have made a huge difference,” he says.
His message for others is simple—but powerful: don’t wait.
“Plan. Think ahead. Even if it feels too early. You don’t want to be putting pressure on yourself if and when that moment arrives.”
If you’ve recently found yourself caring for elderly parents, we’re here for you.
Explore our Resources Hub or join our Carents Lounge to connect with others who understand exactly what you're going through.
Share Your Story
If you’d like to share your experience with the Carents community, we welcome you to get in touch. You don’t need to be a writer – just speak from the heart.
